Dear Hadi,
I'm a Muslim living in a small Midwestern town and grappling with cultural expectations and how I want to dress.
My family expects me to follow very conservative cultural and religious traditions.
I feel wearing a hijab limits my ability to be active and they have accepted my decision not to wear it. But even when I wear pants that are modestly fitted, my parents criticize me. I don’t want to argue with them constantly, so I wear clothes that they agree with and then change when I leave the house.
I feel very guilty and think I am cheating on my parents. But at the same time, I want the freedom to express myself in the way I dress.
I also fear discrimination in social settings. How can I please my parents and also dress the way I want?
Dear Dressing Dilemma,
Thank you for this important question. May God bless you for wanting to please your parents. You note that your family expects you to follow very conservative cultural as well as religious traditions. While we don’t want to undermine cultural considerations, we think the proper focus for you and your parents are those of the religious guidelines, without the “baggage” of cultural norms.
When it comes to dressing, our Islamic principles are based on the critical element of modesty: “O children of Adam, We have bestowed upon you clothing to conceal what should be concealed, and as a fine adornment — and the garment of righteousness, that is best.” (Al-A’rāf 7:26)
Modesty, of course, means different things to different people. For some, it means wearing tops that have a high neckline or dresses that fall below the knee, for others, it includes hijab, and for some, it includes wearing a long, flowing outer layer (jilbab), coming from the Quranic verse “Tell your wives and your daughters and the women of the believers to wrap their outer garments (the jilbab) around themselves. That is more suitable so that they will be known as pious women, and not be harassed.” (Al-Ahzāb 33:59)
By the way, I do believe that many people ignore the last part of this verse (“… and not be harassed”) and I think, as you note, there is something to be said for the discrimination and related harassment Muslim women may face in the West based on how they dress.
Back to the issue of modesty, I believe we all (men and women) need to guard against wearing clothing that is too tight, too short, too revealing, or too ostentatious. This still leaves a lot of room for expressing one’s self in the way one dresses. Personally, we don’t have a problem with the modest pants you said you wear, assuming that the overall outfit is a modest one i.e., including a top that would fall below your hips over the pants.
While we praise your desire not to argue with your parents, we would definitely encourage you to ask them to sit down with you and have an honest, open, respectful dialogue about your viewpoint and concerns. Wearing something to please them as you leave the house, only to change into other clothes later is probably not the best way to handle the situation. I think you want to explain to your parents that you love them, and value their perspective, but then explain to them your point of view. This doesn’t have to devolve into an argument.
As you get older and become an independent adult, you will undoubtedly make some decisions that your parents may not agree with and that’s okay but this should always be done with kindness, love, and respect.
One of the beautiful things about Islam is that people can reach different decisions and conclusions (within an overall appropriate framework) and still be God-conscious, good Muslims. If you feel your choices fall within this overall appropriate framework of modesty, then we encourage you to sit down with your parents and have a frank discussion so that you don’t have to feel you’re hiding something from them.
In peace.